(not all relevant to the topic of adoption--just a rather interesting dream that I had last night--some adoption insight, though)
*Dream*
This guy is sitting in an office room. He has a round face with short brown hair and a thin set of facial "chops". He pretty much looks like one of my old bosses or like that pedophile dude off of Prison Break. Anyways, the guy is a maniac--rapes people all the time, doesn't care about anyone or anything. A black female judge with short hair goes into the office as I walk past it. Moments later there is a thud behind me. The guy has rammed her into the hallway and has her in a headlock, even though he is shorter than her he is much much stronger. I turn away, knowing that he is going to rape her--like he rapes everyone. No one can help her--not me, and not the guards. I know that he won't kill her--that's not his style. He likes for people to deal with misery. I know this because somehow, in the dream, I really do know this guy--we're, um, friendly associates of sorts, but yet I fear him. Somehow he won't do anything to me, I know that.
*Reminder: this is still just a dream*
So I go into my room, which is one room down from the office, and unlatch the window as he is banging on my door--he is done with the judge. I crawl out the window and run to a flag pole in the parking lot and hide behind the cement cylinder it's attached to. I see the rapist guy walk out of the front door and to his car. I run back inside and the guy is back to my door in no time. He keeps knocking and finally I let him in. I feel uneasy. I mean, I know he won't do anything to me, but I still wasn't comfortable with having a maniac rapist in my room. For some reason, all he wants to do is brush his teeth--in my room. He orders me to get him some water. Tap won't do. I give him a water bottle and with his toothbrush, toothpaste, water bottle, and a trash can he brushes his teeth. The girl who lives in the room across from me, who in reality is one of my current roommates, comes to the door. She knows the rapist is in my room and she's trying to be tough. I know that if the rapist sees her that he will rape her on the spot. She knocks and I don't want to let her in. She keeps pestering for me to let her in. The rapist is laughing--knowing why I won't let her in. I yell at her to go back to her room over and over. Eventually she does and I text her, telling her that it's for her own safety and that I am okay--as long as she stays in her room she won't get hurt.
*Reminder #2: Still a dream*
A while later the guy and I go to the kitchen to eat. This guy that I call "Uncle" is there. He, more or less, looks like my biological father. Even in my dream I'm confused at why I said "Hey, Uncle" to him. He had this young woman (about 19-years old) at his side and for some reason I was thinking that that was highly inappropriate even as I had a rapist at my side. This Uncle guy asked me who the guy I was with was. I just said "Oh, just a friend" and that was that.
Fast forward to the next day--In my dream, I remember the rapist even as I am walking in the mall with my mom. I am also remembering some other stuff--stuff I want to tell her but I can't. I can't because, well, I can't and I'm not even sure what exactly I want to tell her--I just know that it's adoption related.
As we're walking she points to the crowd of people behind us, mentions a famous law professor who is there, and tells me to go and help him with his bags because he would probably like that. I look into the crowd and I can't see him--true to my oblivious nature. Then I see the professor as his bag breaks and I rush to pick his stuff up for him. I remove his stuff book by book into a specially designed leather book bag that he has with him. In the crevice of the bag are a whole bunch of crumbs, wrappers, and odds and ends that accumulate at the bottoms of bags. As I help the professor he and I are talking. The only thing I remember him saying to me is "I have read your work and I, shocked, promptly ask him which work and from which class. He tells me "All of it--I ate it all up!" Astonished, I continued to help pick up the professors many things. I spot a small book protruding out of the junk in the bag's crevice and as I reach for it the professor grabs my hand and say "Stop digging" calmly. Confused, I grab at the book and pull it out of the junk. The title of the book reads "In Search For The Cure Of Adoption". I open my mouth--about to ask the professor why he had the book and to mention that I had been adopted, but I was kept from doing that as the professor again grabbed my hand firmly and more sharply said "Stop digging!"
*then I woke up*
Okay, I am unsure how to read the first part of the dream with the rapist. I think, somehow, it represents a vulnerability that I have that harms everyone else but could harm me eventually because I live with this vulnerability. The question is, though, what is this vulnerability?
The second part of the dream, I think, is quite remarkable. Adoption has always been the disease of my life--my past has often crippled my progress. I have always dug for answers or for ways to escape it all. "Stop digging" hit me hard--I think it means that I need to stop digging for answers or for an escape. I just need to let it be and to live with it. It is me and I can't escape from who I am and the questions that I have probably can't be answered or they probably shouldn't be answered.
*Dream*
This guy is sitting in an office room. He has a round face with short brown hair and a thin set of facial "chops". He pretty much looks like one of my old bosses or like that pedophile dude off of Prison Break. Anyways, the guy is a maniac--rapes people all the time, doesn't care about anyone or anything. A black female judge with short hair goes into the office as I walk past it. Moments later there is a thud behind me. The guy has rammed her into the hallway and has her in a headlock, even though he is shorter than her he is much much stronger. I turn away, knowing that he is going to rape her--like he rapes everyone. No one can help her--not me, and not the guards. I know that he won't kill her--that's not his style. He likes for people to deal with misery. I know this because somehow, in the dream, I really do know this guy--we're, um, friendly associates of sorts, but yet I fear him. Somehow he won't do anything to me, I know that.
*Reminder: this is still just a dream*
So I go into my room, which is one room down from the office, and unlatch the window as he is banging on my door--he is done with the judge. I crawl out the window and run to a flag pole in the parking lot and hide behind the cement cylinder it's attached to. I see the rapist guy walk out of the front door and to his car. I run back inside and the guy is back to my door in no time. He keeps knocking and finally I let him in. I feel uneasy. I mean, I know he won't do anything to me, but I still wasn't comfortable with having a maniac rapist in my room. For some reason, all he wants to do is brush his teeth--in my room. He orders me to get him some water. Tap won't do. I give him a water bottle and with his toothbrush, toothpaste, water bottle, and a trash can he brushes his teeth. The girl who lives in the room across from me, who in reality is one of my current roommates, comes to the door. She knows the rapist is in my room and she's trying to be tough. I know that if the rapist sees her that he will rape her on the spot. She knocks and I don't want to let her in. She keeps pestering for me to let her in. The rapist is laughing--knowing why I won't let her in. I yell at her to go back to her room over and over. Eventually she does and I text her, telling her that it's for her own safety and that I am okay--as long as she stays in her room she won't get hurt.
*Reminder #2: Still a dream*
A while later the guy and I go to the kitchen to eat. This guy that I call "Uncle" is there. He, more or less, looks like my biological father. Even in my dream I'm confused at why I said "Hey, Uncle" to him. He had this young woman (about 19-years old) at his side and for some reason I was thinking that that was highly inappropriate even as I had a rapist at my side. This Uncle guy asked me who the guy I was with was. I just said "Oh, just a friend" and that was that.
Fast forward to the next day--In my dream, I remember the rapist even as I am walking in the mall with my mom. I am also remembering some other stuff--stuff I want to tell her but I can't. I can't because, well, I can't and I'm not even sure what exactly I want to tell her--I just know that it's adoption related.
As we're walking she points to the crowd of people behind us, mentions a famous law professor who is there, and tells me to go and help him with his bags because he would probably like that. I look into the crowd and I can't see him--true to my oblivious nature. Then I see the professor as his bag breaks and I rush to pick his stuff up for him. I remove his stuff book by book into a specially designed leather book bag that he has with him. In the crevice of the bag are a whole bunch of crumbs, wrappers, and odds and ends that accumulate at the bottoms of bags. As I help the professor he and I are talking. The only thing I remember him saying to me is "I have read your work and I, shocked, promptly ask him which work and from which class. He tells me "All of it--I ate it all up!" Astonished, I continued to help pick up the professors many things. I spot a small book protruding out of the junk in the bag's crevice and as I reach for it the professor grabs my hand and say "Stop digging" calmly. Confused, I grab at the book and pull it out of the junk. The title of the book reads "In Search For The Cure Of Adoption". I open my mouth--about to ask the professor why he had the book and to mention that I had been adopted, but I was kept from doing that as the professor again grabbed my hand firmly and more sharply said "Stop digging!"
*then I woke up*
Okay, I am unsure how to read the first part of the dream with the rapist. I think, somehow, it represents a vulnerability that I have that harms everyone else but could harm me eventually because I live with this vulnerability. The question is, though, what is this vulnerability?
The second part of the dream, I think, is quite remarkable. Adoption has always been the disease of my life--my past has often crippled my progress. I have always dug for answers or for ways to escape it all. "Stop digging" hit me hard--I think it means that I need to stop digging for answers or for an escape. I just need to let it be and to live with it. It is me and I can't escape from who I am and the questions that I have probably can't be answered or they probably shouldn't be answered.
